OT: My sister is engaged

[monimarine]

Judi is right. I had a similiar experience with my youngest brother. Right after he graduated from boot camp (he was a Marine too!) he decided he wanted to get married to this girl he went to high school with. They hadn't dated very long, and it was known around town that she was looking for a way out. It was also known that she was dating ANOTHER guy from their high school who had also joined the military. My brother was down here in NC and this other guy was out in CA. When my brother would come home on leave, she would date him, but when the other guy was home on leave she dated him too. She was playing them against each other to see which one was going to foot her bill out of Ohio.

I didn't trust her to come down here and be around some 20,000 Marines and not cheat on my brother, so I said something to him. Our other brother took him aside and told him it was a bad idea too. We didn't exactly word it very well, which I regret, but he did end up seeing her game and not marrying her.

The only problem is that the next time he made up his mind to get married, he went ahead and did it without telling anyone b/c he didn't want the backlash. Unfortunately for him, the situation didn't work out, but I guess he'd rather make the mistake than have to listen to his siblings who care.

We definitely should have handled it better, so just try to be supportive of your sister. I'd hate to see it drive a wedge between you or stop open lines of communication that you guys already have.

[Molly92]

For the past year I have tried to not say anything to her negative wise. Everything has been very formal. In the beginning I stated my concerns (I wrote a letter) and she took it right to him. I got a letter back from her and it was soo nasty I don't even believe that she wrote it. I have also seen letters that he has written to her about me and they are just nasty as well. He has convinced her that he loves her and cares more for her than her own family. That he will always be their for her. I have tried to stay close to her but from the beginning he always had her next three or four weekends planned sometimes even scheduled for a year from now! When I thought I finally had a chance to do something with her he would be there. He invited himself along on our last family vacation. He is thirty five and still trys to act like he is so cool. He shouts across resturants to the waiters, makes fun of other people in front of his 10 year old daughter. She moved into a condo last year and she has never invited me over!! Now that he is there I don't even want to go over. His daughter sees their living arrangment every other weekend and she is very street smart already. He still has never talked about his third child it is like he/she (I don't even know) doesn't even exist. She has cut off all ties with all her friends as well. She is the oldest and has always had to be right about everything. I have told her that I can not be happy for her and she gets so angry because she thinks everyone has to like him the way she likes him...that he has tried so hard to get us to like him. She has also become so passive with him. She never says anything to him when he is acting imature. He has also told her several times not to be "bossy like your mom"
I could go on and on. She has become someone that I don't even know or recognize. I am always surprised by the comments she says and her new morals. This makes it all the more harder to want to do anything with her. This could be the next reality TV show.

Stephanie

[MissMooMoo]

How sad for your family. It is hard to watch people you love make poor decisions. I would suggest being as patient and loving as possible. Remember that if you are here for your sister now, if everything with this guy turns out as badly as it looks, she will be more likely to come to you when she has a big crisis in the future.

I know your situation with your sister is different (my family loves my husband), but here are some other thoughts I have:

I got married last year - I also started law school. For a while, I was not able to spend as much time with my sisters because of the wedding, etc. Then I moved to another state! It's pretty hard because we miss each other a lot.

However, now that things have settled down and life is more "normal," we talk on the phone a couple times a week, send each other cards, etc. Things will become better for you and your sister in the long run.

[judiaci]

Originally posted by Molly92:
I have tried to stay close to her but from the beginning he always had her next three or four weekends planned sometimes even scheduled for a year from now! When I thought I finally had a chance to do something with her he would be there.

Now that he is there I don't even want to go over.

She has cut off all ties with all her friends as well.

She has also become so passive with him. This makes it all the more harder to want to do anything with her.
Stephanie

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Stephanie - your situation is very difficult, but it sounds like your sister may be headed for marriage with a control freak. When does he work? He must be gone sometimes. Maybe you can pop over to the condo with an "engagement gift." She's your sister - you don't have to wait to be invited. I would just try to stay involved even if you don't like the guy and your sister very much right now. This may just be a temporary phase that your sister is going through. A new love wears off for almost everyone after a few years and then your sister may open her eyes. Good luck!

[dolllover]

That's terrible! I don't think the relationship will last. I'm sure your sister will come to her senses eventually and realize that her fiance is not a responsible or trushtworthy person. I also wouldn't marry someone ten years older than me that has two children from women he went out with, but never married( I'm assuming that was the case).

<font color="#051E50" size="1">[ January 19, 2006 07:26 PM: Message edited by: AGfanatic ]</font>

[Molly92]

Thank you all for your support and advise. It is greatly appreciated.

Stephanie

[judiaci]

Keep us posted, Molly92.